Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Part 2 of Deadchester No Longer: The Faces of DOoshbaggery

Caption: "This is why we're hot!"
Thank you Facebook! You'll notice that the dooshbag on the left is one of the known offenders. You seriously can't make this stuff up.

Wikipedia defines: Douche bag, or simply douche, is considered to be a perjorative term in Australia, the U.S., Canada and New Zealand. The slang usage of the term dates back to the 1960s. The metaphor of identifying a person as a douche is intended to associate a VARIETY of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and malice.

As I put the phone down, I tried to grasp the situation. The cops actually caught the bad guys. No longer did I have to worry about someone with a personal vendetta against me my boo or my hoopty, nor did I have to worry about round the clock surveillance or the idea of punji pits and rope snares set up around my house. The perps had been caught and I was elated, now it was for them to feel the wrath of pressing charges!

I quickly threw on my "tough" clothes. I had to make sure that if I saw these punks down at the precinct, just a mere glimpse at my exterior would have to strike the fear of God into them. So, you guessed it I threw on my camo hoody, 5 year old worn out cubs hat, and cargo pants with my skull stomper boots, oh and I hadn't shaved for a week, so ya toughness exuded from my pores. Or at least that's what I thought in my head.

Anyways, I made my way to the precinct. Upon entering I ran into another dude with his daughter, apparently pieces to this vandalistic puzzle were falling into place. Upon conversing with this gentlemen I found out that neither I nor he were the only victims in this senseless
act of vandalism, moreover there were 5 other cars that were hit, literally.

Suddenly, as we were sitting there kibitzing in walked some punk kid who looked like he just rolled out of a club and announced to the dispatcher "Uhhh I'm here, I think, to uhh bail out some of my friends…huh ha huh ha." Upon that brilliant exchange of words, I turned my head to my new friend and with a grin, our own line of questioning began.

I could tell instantly that I didn't like him or anyone he would associate with or. Maybe it was the puffy high priced down jacket, or perhaps it was his chinstrap beard, or it could have been his clubbin t-shirt or stone washed jeans, oh I know what it was, it was those damn snow white K-Swisses that he was wearing that I would have personally liked to walk over, drop trow and taking a # 2 on. Upon questioning him it appeared that he "had just been dropped off earlier in the night and had no clue what his "friends" did later that evening. I told him in my most stern teacher voice that he should find new friends and that the ones he's hanging around with are morons. Obviously the kid felt a little awkward and left til his "bros" were done being processed.

Eventually after waiting a while longer I made it into the processing room where I had to sign about 10 papers or so for the 5 counts that each idiot got for bashing in my fellow citizens windows during the middle of the night. Upon talking to the cop who I was signing papers with the truth about who these bastards were, finally came out. It turns out that there were 4 of them ranging in age from 18-23 with apparently nothing better to do on a Saturday night than to take mommies Escalade, leave the comforts of upper class Naperville to meet up with some friends in Westchester, proceed to get drunk and high and bash peoples windows in, not once but twice in the same month.

I was in awe and I still am to be honest, that people can be so utterly stupid. I've gotten an estimate on my one window they got caught bashing and it came to $220, that's not taking into account the previous window that was broken. Other people had more than 1 window broken that night. According to the cops if it is over a total $ amount they'll all be charged with felonies. I won't be able to find out if this is true or not until my court appearance on Good Friday but you know I really hope the get it and they get it hard, does that sound harsh, I don't think so. By the way if if anyone wants to be apart of my crew to intimidate in the courtroom let me know.

Upon returning to my fortress of solitude, we decided to do a little research of our own. It would appear that these guys really are stupid dooshbags. Not only did they have pictures posted of them getting high and participating in underage drinking but you can just tell, if they
weren't caught, they would be doing the same thing time after time. And believe me if they hadn't got caught this time when they would've come back to Deadchester they would've had a real nice surprise waiting for them.


1 comment:

Exausted in Indy said...

Josh gettin' spanked by some cons on a Sat nite!! Lordy Lordy!!! Thats suck city. I like that fact that you looked though in the court room. I would have added that a little more... An eye patch, no deoderant, no brushed teeth and of course a mega bean burreto and a couple of pots of coffee for breakfast. Hey boys, anyone for trouser chilli?
Sad story but at least an ending I can stomach. I blame Oprah. I think I saw this once on her show... Something about random acts of violence, or was that "kindness" I cant remember.