Sunday, March 15, 2009

Go Bald or Go HOME!

I know, it's been a ridiculously long time since this blog has been given any attention. Sure, it's not like there hasn't been much to blog about since last OCTOBER. I guess I could've blogged about political issues, our current President, the decline of our economy, the fact that the Soviet Union is on our front doorstep or "Batboy" the worlds ugliest cat. However I just haven't been able to find the time, or rather make the time for this thing. So without further adu, for the three of you who check this every month or so, your patience is finally being rewarded.

As most of you all know, St. Patricks day in Chicago makes for a pretty substantial party. Well to be honest the true party in the Chicagoland area begins at the Cavaliere's house in Lagrange Park where the green beer flows like wine and the corned beef allows for those who partake to enjoy its' benefits days afterwards (delicious but the cabbage and my large intestine, well nevermind). Anyway, we had a great gathering at the Cavalier's and after a few games of cornhole the citizens of Lagrange Park meandered their way over to the block of Newberry, shot station in tow, where the main entertainment and focus was on shaving heads and the St. Baldricks foundation.

Basically at this point people sign up to get their heads shaved in order to raise money for child cancer research. I had wanted to shave my head leading up to the event but didn't get on board quick enough to raise any amount of money however, the boo wasn't deterred and she and Rog went over to give a donation and sign me up anyway. The truly great thing about it was to see a handful of my students also taking the initiative to get their heads shaved for a really great cause. I'm talking about boys whose pride and joy is their locks that they've taken years to grow. Well, I won't bore you with any more ranting, I'll let the pics speak for themselves. Because I can, I guess I wanted to say whether it's St. Baldricks or the myriad of other great organizations out there, if you've got a little or a lot, give, I think it really can make a difference. Laters, well, hopefully not to much laters!
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Monday, November 3, 2008

Maverick Time!

I know it's been a while but I've been helping out the wife on her bid for VP as of late, in case you haven't noticed it didn't work. Oh well, there's always 2012. Keep checking back I'll try and get my act together with this here blog.

Monday, September 8, 2008

My New Library Card

When you ask your average American what you need in order to get a library card, most might think a nice smile or at the most your driver’s license; not the case here in good ol Deadchester. Apparently you have to show more forms of ID than I did the last time I bought a pistol. Apparently to check out books it’s not enough to just have driver’s license you also have to have some other form whether it be a bill, vehicle registration, passport, retinal scan verification, stool sample etc. Well being that I had none on me at the time of filling out my life’s history for a library card, although I probably could have gladly pinched off the latter from that list, apparently my hunting/fishing license sufficed. I actually started to laugh to myself as I was standing amidst all that knowledge under the scrutinizing eyes of the librarian and thinking that this is how complicated it has become make use of public entities. What’s the library trying to pull when they won’t accept a valid license with a valid Westchester address; it’s FREE to get your card as well as to check out anything. Is it really necessary to seriously present a Passport as well as a driver’s license? I just thought that was noteworthy being that now that I’m back on the job I haven’t had time to jot down anything of the sort. Laters

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Fin: Summer Vacation

It would be too depressing to elaborate with whimsical rantings about the very last day of summer, so the pics will have to do. Enjoy and laters.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

My Life as Larry David, Episode I: Clammy Hands

Ever since I got hooked on Curb Your Enthusiasm 2 years ago, I’ve found myself continually feeling as if my daily life could actually be part of an episode. I’m not going to delve into the genius of the show but if you haven’t seen it, it’s basically about a man, Larry David, whose pretty, pretty, pretty hilarious and picks apart and makes excruciatingly awkward even the most mundane of circumstances. With that being said, last Sunday at church, I found myself starring in yet another episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm entitled “Clam Hands.”

While I really enjoy meeting people and connecting with those I already know through the western means of invitation, shaking hands, I try and put to the back of my mind the disgustingness of what that form of etiquette really invokes. I really don’t need to delve into the grossness of the human hand when not properly cleaned, however, if you don’t want to take my word for it, the SNL skit “Fecal Goggles” as well as an Oprah episode my mom made me watch when I was a youngster could really sum it up for you. Come to think about it, I think that might be where all this began. Anywho, I digress so let's get back to church last Sunday.

As per usual, once the service began the pastor encourages us to greet one another. Well, I thought to myself being that Barack and his wife made the fist bump so recently popular, maybe I could try that out at church and not have to worry about contaminating my own body space. However, that aspiration was soon extinguished when I saw a bulbous, meaty hand of a rather large man come shooting towards me. The very broad palm with what looked like hot links on the ends was an easy target for a good but reluctant handshaker such as myself.

Unfortunately, at this point I was backed into a corner with no way out. I could not refuse to shake nor could I fist bump, give a thumbs up or fake a severely arthritic right hand. So of course I had to go along and reach out my hand in return. What my right hand met however, was quite a "surprise". What I’d like you to imagine right here is a large bucket of luke warm water, better yet imagine that bucket of luke warm water as urine and you’ll soon understand i'd like you to visualize this. Well, as my hand met his it felt as if he had just submerged said hand in that very bucket of water/urine and shook hands. In fact as it was happening no joke I think a faint look of surprise, neigh horror fell upon me as I was wondering how such a hand could be so wet, so clammy, so utterly gross. Furthermore it struck me as to how, being that this gentlemen was the first for me to shake hands with, I now have to turn and shake with others around me. I myself have a rep that stretches far and wide and don’t want it to be tainted with being “that guy with clammy hands,” so after I shook, I wiped it off nonchalantly on the very back of the pew he was going to sit at. I had no other option; it was horrifying.

I then had to sit for the duration of church encapsulated within my own thoughts, making sure not to scratch my eye or rub my nose with the very hand that had just been tainted. Suffice it to say I amscrayed after the service to my traveling fortress of solitude, the Buick, where I stash a vile of hand sanitizer for just such circumstance and the ordeal was put behind me. I guess that leaves me wondering though, what is the protocol for such an extreme circumstance. For one, what makes someone’s hand that wet and clammy, secondly what does one do after such a shake, wipe, forget that it didn’t happen and plead ignorance, what? I’ll let you be the judge. Well that concludes the episode of “Clammy Hands”; maybe I could make this a regular fixture. Laters

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Ode To Marriage

Being that this blog is so widely read and kept up with, I thought it would be prudent to address to the world a momentously important milestone in our family. Just yesterday, our grandma and grandpa Orth celebrated their 62 wedding anniversary. 62 years! To be honest I find that truly amazing. It's funny because just hearing stories about their life together, all the ups and downs, the kids, grandkids, putting food on the table, the dozens of different but interesting jobs, their in-laws etc, they've really made their marriage work, and work well. Grandpa still talks about Grandma with the same passion as I believe he did when they 1st meet 62 years ago and although his body is slower than his mind, still waits on her hand and foot and would do anything for her. And grandma, although at rare times can be a stubborn person, still leans on and depends on my grandpa probably now more than ever. It's funny because you can really see it in their eyes. When the joking and jeering has subsided, you can just tell that they are more in love now than on the day that they met. For myself as a three year rookie in the game of marriage, it's is really a testament to commitment, love, faithfulness and patience. It's also something that I feel very fortunate to have witnessed and is something I can't wait to share with my kids and grandkids down the road. Congratulations Grandma and Grandpa, here's to many more to come!!!

I've got another great video of grandpa finally confessing to "offing" mom and my uncles cat but I'm having difficulties getting it to upload. Check back laters!

Monday, June 30, 2008

Failure: Toilet Ass

For those that might be wondering, the toilet ass experiment ended up being a major disappointment. I can't go into the details for fear of getting kicked off blogger however life is a hell of a lot more complicated when viewed sitting down on a toilet. Anyways, without procrastinating any further let me get you up to speed with the goings on in the world of Josh.

End of the year Greek Olympics: Chariot Race
Apparently no one else got the memo about the Togas

Another school year came to an end. It was actually hard to see those kids go, being that I had been apart of their education since they were in second grade. However my sorrows were soon alleviated with the thought of not having to get up for work for three months.

The start of summer went off with a bang as Roger and I successfully smoked our 1st Beef Brisket and played numerous rounds of Cornhole as well as some golf. Unfortunately I think I should have stayed on the toilet for then I wouldn't' have stumbled upon something while doing a minor home repair.

Turns out the idiots who put the roof on with the previous owners forgot a little something called flashing that the gutter butts up against. Well for those of you who can't predict what happens when said flashing is not there, let me tell you. Water gets in and it ROTS. The majority of the room was held up by 2x4s that were rotted down to 1x4s and to be honest I found it a miracle that the structure was still standing. Fortunately for me, my buddy Ryan happens to be the art teacher and also has the summer off came over to help with this ever growing project.

I won't bore you with all the details or how much we feel like studs (get it, we're working on framing a structure and STUDS are what help hold it up??) for actually doing a pretty darn good job. However I will post some pics as to the continued progress of the new and improved Mudroom.

Flora wasn't as big of a help as I thought she would be. She's a lazy ass.

You'd think they'd be in English.

Finished product, at least on the outside.

Fortunately Ryan and I, with the help of Flora and Roger were able to get the outside finished just in time for me to hop on a plane and shoot over to the Raleigh NC to visit the Toddman. It was actually a nice respite to the project of the mudroom and since we had been able to actually have a locking window and door I knew Miranda would sleep easy without her man their to vanquish any foes who would be stupid enough to break and enter.

The visit to the Toddman involved a whirlwind tour of Duke as well as the surrounding area, with a stop at some really tasty bbq along the way. Little did I know however, that I had been duped into coming out the very weekend that he was moving. I tried feigning back problems, claimed my uromisotisis was reoccurring, even resorted to complaining my ass cheeks hurt from sitting on the pot so long, but nothing took; he still put me to work. Just Joshin ya Toddman it was good times.

Probably one of the highlights though was visiting some of the historical sites just outside of Durham. One such site was an old tobacco plantation. It wasn't until this very point in my life that I realized what I've been called to do. As soon as the mudroom is completely finished I'm selling the the Thomas estate to take up tobacco farming or as true tobacco farmers such as myself call it, tobacca farmin.

Preppin this years tobacca crop.
Miranda and my future house that Tobacca built.
I will have a follow up in the days to come as to how this new chapter in my life is going. Until then I'm pretty sure the next post won't take me 4 months to come up with, thanks for your patience! Enjoy your summer...laters