Bumper Crop

This post is basically for Tony and his congregation of neigh-sayers out there in Sioux City, Iowa (good peoples) as well as for anyone else who falls into the category of being a neigh-sayer. Yes they are "almost" as big as a 12" softball and yes I have won the War of the Squirrels, well at least for this week. Let the frying of the bacon and the slathering of mayo commence!!!!

Laters, Josh

Big Bag Syndrome....WHAT ARE YOU PUTTING IN THERE??!!

By the way this is called the "Elephant Clutch"...ARE YOU KIDDING ME???!!! She's not clutching anything, that thing should have shoulder straps and a waist support gosh dangit!!!!!


What the &*%$???!!! Miranda and I were on our weekly date night which turned out to be one of my favs, Buffalo Wild WIngs. Side note...it's one of the few places besides Palmer Place in La Grange where I know what I'm going to order before I even enter, in this case; 6 Caribbean Jerk, 6 Spicy Garlic, and finally, which can sometimes turn out to be a game time decision 6 Wild. Anyways, we were sittin there enjoying our brewskis when this girl walked in front of us carrying what I thought to be a Military duffel. Seriously this bag was big as hell and honestly, we live in Chicago, not on the gulf where beach bags could be and I emphasize could be the norm.

If you know me, you know I have a tendency to appreciate stuff, however even as I acquire stuff, I would never attempt to take it with me in mass quantities when I go out to dinner with my boo. This bag that this girl had was big enough for at least one beach towel, sunscreen, 3 pairs of Gucci sunglasses, 2 flip flops, a spare bikini (in case the first one got wet) a wallet the size of George Castanza's, not to mention a folding chair and a cooler of fruity alcoholic beverages. WHy?? Why does it have to be that BIG??!!! You're in BWWs not at the beach and furthermore why does there continuously seem to be more of you every time Miranda and I have to go to the mall???

Suggestion...it's like when you go backpacking, only take the crap you need in order to SURVIVE....oh wait, I forgot, you're going to the mall, I guess you do need to bring a bag bigger than what's allowed as carry on, on all major airlines. As for me, I'll stick to whatever I can shove in my neon green fanny pack I had as a child, thank you very much!!! By the way fanny packs will be a topic of discussion at a further date.

Laters, Josh

Swipe it, Don't Write It!!!

Using your writing skills like a sucker...OR...

Swiping away your savings without holding up lines...your choice

We live in the 21st century where one can control the majority of their dealings in life through means of a cellular device, right? So answer me this, why in the heck are people still bustin out their check books to pay for things at grocery stores??? I noticed this about two weeks ago when I was out with my cousin at a great market near Wicker Park known as Stanley's (you can get anything that grows on a vine, bush or tree on the cheap....shout out). Anyways what should have taken under a minute for the madam in front of us turned out to at least thrice as long, at least and all because Suzy shopper didn't have a stinkin check card.

To put more fuel to the fire, I became slightly irritated when I was at Costco yesterday and thought I won the line gamble but to my chagrin this lady in front of me apparently chisels out her checks on stone tablets because thats about how long it took her. WHY?? I'm all for checks, they get the job done in the right circumstance like if your buying a car from your neighbor, however why can't people realize that getting a check card is the same damn thing and they they don't have to turn my visit to the local grocer into a Visa Check card commercial, ya that's right, it's about me and my precious time. No offense to those who still right checks in local establishments (mom) but c'mon hop on board the plastic card that I can by anything on revolution.

Laters, Josh

Slice of Americana

Two things come to mind when I think about summer, no work and BLTs. If you think about it, nothing describes Americana better than thick cut apple or maple smoked bacon, REAL Hellmann's mayo, not that light crap, white bread nicely toasted, lettuce and finally nice ripe, juicy home grown tomatoes (which by the way I've been able to hold the squirrels at bay, for the time being) . Coupled with your favorite brew or my favorite, chocolate milk of which my milk was bad so I had to stick with beer, I know tough. One definitely can't go awry with diving into summers favorite food, the BLT. By the way feel free to doctor yours up as you see fit, for instance I like to slide on some home grown hot as well as sweet peppers into the mix. Oh and don't be a panzy and not load up the bacon I hate it when people do that, your eating a BLT go hard or go home, your an American after all!!

Good Eating
Josh

Homeland Security

As a fifth grade teacher one has to daily pray for patience. I like to think of myself as a patient person for most things however everyone has their limit. One thing I have no patience for is thievery. One of the things I was looking forward to last year when we bought our house was having my very own garden. My dad has planted tomatoes for as long as I could remember and now it was my turn to carry on the green thumb tradition not to mention raising my cholesterol by eating BLTs everyday. Being that the previous owners were morons it took a lot of work to get not only where we have our garden into shape but the rest of the yard. Well to make a long story even longer around mothers day we went out and bought all sorts of vegetables for the garden, very exciting. So far we've been able to enjoy the fruits of our labor including eggplant, cherry tomatoes, serranno peppers, sweet peppers and bell peppers not to mention an herb garden. However what I haven't been able to enjoy and which happens to be my favorite of all are those big juicy tomatoes that are just a little smaller than a 12 in softball. You wanna know why??? Well it's because of thieves that most people perceive as "cute" but to me are just rural rats....squirrels.

I haven't been able to enjoy a single big tomato because the second they even turn a shade of orange they've been eaten. And what really pisses me off is they'll more often than not just eat a quarter of half of it...if your going to start eating it at least finish the damn thing! Since my first outpouring of verbal lashings toward the critters when I first spotted one of many destroyed tomatoes I turned to my trusty high velocity pellet gun. To be prepared for situations such as these, I've had it sighted in well enough that I can hit a bottle cap in the garden from our living room window. So lets just say I've been ready to take action for a while now. Now I realize that the squirrels are hungry too so I figured it would be kind on my part to start with the 3 strikes and your out rule. The first time, last week I saw a squirrel I just shot a pellet on the limb it was sitting on and it scattered off. Since then however about 4 delicious tomatoes had been ruined so I was on the warpath but still sticking to my 3 strikes rule. However from my hunting experience, its always when you want animals to appear that they never do. So over the past few days they'd alluded me even on my midnight raids.

Well, last week I had my first real skirmish with these little fellers and put a few rounds from my pellet gun so close to its head it fell of the fence and high tailed it out of there, STRIKE 2. Strike 3 the squirrels won't be so fortunate. Let this be a lesson to all of those squirrels in blogger world, it's on! Also it must be pretty evident that I have far too much time on my hands not only to be perched on my garage, or in my dining room to shoot at squirrels but also to be writing about it. Oh and for those interested I'll be starting a buisness selling authentic Daniel Boone squirrel hats, great for gifts for the holidays!!
Happy HUnting,
Josh