Part 2 of Deadchester No Longer: The Faces of DOoshbaggery

Caption: "This is why we're hot!"
Thank you Facebook! You'll notice that the dooshbag on the left is one of the known offenders. You seriously can't make this stuff up.



Wikipedia defines: Douche bag, or simply douche, is considered to be a perjorative term in Australia, the U.S., Canada and New Zealand. The slang usage of the term dates back to the 1960s. The metaphor of identifying a person as a douche is intended to associate a VARIETY of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and malice.





As I put the phone down, I tried to grasp the situation. The cops actually caught the bad guys. No longer did I have to worry about someone with a personal vendetta against me my boo or my hoopty, nor did I have to worry about round the clock surveillance or the idea of punji pits and rope snares set up around my house. The perps had been caught and I was elated, now it was for them to feel the wrath of pressing charges!

I quickly threw on my "tough" clothes. I had to make sure that if I saw these punks down at the precinct, just a mere glimpse at my exterior would have to strike the fear of God into them. So, you guessed it I threw on my camo hoody, 5 year old worn out cubs hat, and cargo pants with my skull stomper boots, oh and I hadn't shaved for a week, so ya toughness exuded from my pores. Or at least that's what I thought in my head.

Anyways, I made my way to the precinct. Upon entering I ran into another dude with his daughter, apparently pieces to this vandalistic puzzle were falling into place. Upon conversing with this gentlemen I found out that neither I nor he were the only victims in this senseless
act of vandalism, moreover there were 5 other cars that were hit, literally.

Suddenly, as we were sitting there kibitzing in walked some punk kid who looked like he just rolled out of a club and announced to the dispatcher "Uhhh I'm here, I think, to uhh bail out some of my friends…huh ha huh ha." Upon that brilliant exchange of words, I turned my head to my new friend and with a grin, our own line of questioning began.

I could tell instantly that I didn't like him or anyone he would associate with or. Maybe it was the puffy high priced down jacket, or perhaps it was his chinstrap beard, or it could have been his clubbin t-shirt or stone washed jeans, oh I know what it was, it was those damn snow white K-Swisses that he was wearing that I would have personally liked to walk over, drop trow and taking a # 2 on. Upon questioning him it appeared that he "had just been dropped off earlier in the night and had no clue what his "friends" did later that evening. I told him in my most stern teacher voice that he should find new friends and that the ones he's hanging around with are morons. Obviously the kid felt a little awkward and left til his "bros" were done being processed.

Eventually after waiting a while longer I made it into the processing room where I had to sign about 10 papers or so for the 5 counts that each idiot got for bashing in my fellow citizens windows during the middle of the night. Upon talking to the cop who I was signing papers with the truth about who these bastards were, finally came out. It turns out that there were 4 of them ranging in age from 18-23 with apparently nothing better to do on a Saturday night than to take mommies Escalade, leave the comforts of upper class Naperville to meet up with some friends in Westchester, proceed to get drunk and high and bash peoples windows in, not once but twice in the same month.

I was in awe and I still am to be honest, that people can be so utterly stupid. I've gotten an estimate on my one window they got caught bashing and it came to $220, that's not taking into account the previous window that was broken. Other people had more than 1 window broken that night. According to the cops if it is over a total $ amount they'll all be charged with felonies. I won't be able to find out if this is true or not until my court appearance on Good Friday but you know I really hope the get it and they get it hard, does that sound harsh, I don't think so. By the way if if anyone wants to be apart of my crew to intimidate in the courtroom let me know.

Upon returning to my fortress of solitude, we decided to do a little research of our own. It would appear that these guys really are stupid dooshbags. Not only did they have pictures posted of them getting high and participating in underage drinking but you can just tell, if they
weren't caught, they would be doing the same thing time after time. And believe me if they hadn't got caught this time when they would've come back to Deadchester they would've had a real nice surprise waiting for them.

JUSTICE IS SERVED!!!!!

Deadchester No Longer: The Silence is Broken Part 1

Let me spin you a yarn here for a moment. It all begins 4 weekends ago in the peaceful village of Westchester. Many have often commented on changing the name to Deadchester in lieu of the fact that nothing ever happens here. Well, that peaceful silence and innocence was shattered about 2:30am on that Saturday night/Sunday morning 4 weekends ago.

As per usual we were playing guitar hero til the wee hours of the morn with our compatriots Rog and Ash. Miranda was attempting to sleep but due to our raucous party in the basement, it never came. She soon heard a crash that she attributed to Roger or my carelessness however upon leaving our house at around noon the next day for a delicious Pancheros burrito, we discovered that it wasn't Roger and I who caused the crash but a vandal breaking my drivers side, passenger window.

I was enraged.

First of all it's frickn single digits out here without the windchill and second of all we just have liability on the car which means outta pocket. Furthermore, who the hell thinks they have the right to bash in my car window and not even steal all of my tools that I carried with me, nor any of my other random articles in the car. All joking aside, I felt violated, and to be honest I was a little nervous that someone had it out for us for whatever reason.

Well that brings us to this weekend. The village of Westchester had been silent yet again for 3 weeks, only to be awakened this time at 4:15 ish by the thud of 3 terribly weak blows followed by an SUV of some sort speeding away from a crime scene. Ironically enough just before this happened Miranda's cell went off from an accidental call from an old college friend. Thus we weren't fully asleep and were quickly woken by the commotion somewhere close. Miranda claimed to have heard a sound downstairs so I abruptly grabbed my "gear" and went to investigate and clear the house.

The house was clear, however as I glanced out onto my snow covered car I noticed something amiss. I threw on my parka and headed out, "gear" in hand just in case I was flanked on my way outside. As I rounded the back end of my car and I stood there in utter rage and bewilderment, gawking and cussing at the non-existent drivers side window and broken mirror.

In a rage I ran to call the cops and they showed up post haste to access the problem. They basically said they're going to post someone near our house considering this was the second time a crime was committed against us. Do we have enemies? Meanwhile I was just pissed because how many times will I have to get the window fixed only to have it bashed in again.

Suffice it to say I couldn't go back to bed. I sat at our dining room table devising ways to catch the crook, ie buying a video camera for 24 hour surveillance as well as possible safeguards in and around the house should the perps choose to harass more than our car. Eventually sleep did come only I was aroused a few hours later.

"Josh, the cops are on the phone," Boo urged.
"This is Josh."
"We've got em, I need you to come in, in about an hour to press charges," the officer said.
"I'll be there in 30 minutes!"

To be honest, the story only gets better, but I don't really have time to keep writing, stay tuned for Part 2 of Deadchester No Longer: The Faces of DOoshbaggery