Toiletass

You know I've always been humbled by those who choose to live life in other peoples shoes. Mother Teresa lived with the poor in India, St. Francis living in peace with poverty and pigeons, and now me, living in a socioeconomic class that has yet to be identified.

In case you haven't turned on the news as of late, or listened to Chicago's own Roe Conn, you might not know about a certain couple whom, how shall i say this, have been living life in a very, different, way. For two years a lady outside of Wichita, Kansas whose last name is Babcock (hehe) had been living her life in the bathroom on a toilet seat. Finally after she began having "breathing problems" her boyfriend Kory decided it was time to call for help, let me emphasize, 2 years! Did it not seem odd to this guy that she literally had not left the bathroom for 730 days?

Let me put it this even more succinctly, she sat on that toilet seat so long that the seat and her ass fussed together. Her ass was the toilet seat and the toilet seat was her ass.

"She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body," County sheriff Whipple said. "It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself."

So do I Sheriff Whipple, which is why I'm not leaving my bathroom for the next 730 days. I want a first hand seat to watch as my ass fuses with a piece of plastic. I also think it would be interesting to have marital relations on the toilet because apparently that dude Kory said that life was normal when Babcock was on the john, so much so that they ate and had relations together while her ass was turning into a toilet seat.

Nothing sums it up better than Babcock's neighbor James, "I don't think anybody can make any sense out of it," he said. That's right James this is pretty f-up, but I do hope that some pictures turn up of that toiletass or maybe I'll just wait for my own ass to turn into a toilet seat and snap a few. Laters

Part 2 of Deadchester No Longer: The Faces of DOoshbaggery

Caption: "This is why we're hot!"
Thank you Facebook! You'll notice that the dooshbag on the left is one of the known offenders. You seriously can't make this stuff up.



Wikipedia defines: Douche bag, or simply douche, is considered to be a perjorative term in Australia, the U.S., Canada and New Zealand. The slang usage of the term dates back to the 1960s. The metaphor of identifying a person as a douche is intended to associate a VARIETY of negative qualities, specifically arrogance and malice.





As I put the phone down, I tried to grasp the situation. The cops actually caught the bad guys. No longer did I have to worry about someone with a personal vendetta against me my boo or my hoopty, nor did I have to worry about round the clock surveillance or the idea of punji pits and rope snares set up around my house. The perps had been caught and I was elated, now it was for them to feel the wrath of pressing charges!

I quickly threw on my "tough" clothes. I had to make sure that if I saw these punks down at the precinct, just a mere glimpse at my exterior would have to strike the fear of God into them. So, you guessed it I threw on my camo hoody, 5 year old worn out cubs hat, and cargo pants with my skull stomper boots, oh and I hadn't shaved for a week, so ya toughness exuded from my pores. Or at least that's what I thought in my head.

Anyways, I made my way to the precinct. Upon entering I ran into another dude with his daughter, apparently pieces to this vandalistic puzzle were falling into place. Upon conversing with this gentlemen I found out that neither I nor he were the only victims in this senseless
act of vandalism, moreover there were 5 other cars that were hit, literally.

Suddenly, as we were sitting there kibitzing in walked some punk kid who looked like he just rolled out of a club and announced to the dispatcher "Uhhh I'm here, I think, to uhh bail out some of my friends…huh ha huh ha." Upon that brilliant exchange of words, I turned my head to my new friend and with a grin, our own line of questioning began.

I could tell instantly that I didn't like him or anyone he would associate with or. Maybe it was the puffy high priced down jacket, or perhaps it was his chinstrap beard, or it could have been his clubbin t-shirt or stone washed jeans, oh I know what it was, it was those damn snow white K-Swisses that he was wearing that I would have personally liked to walk over, drop trow and taking a # 2 on. Upon questioning him it appeared that he "had just been dropped off earlier in the night and had no clue what his "friends" did later that evening. I told him in my most stern teacher voice that he should find new friends and that the ones he's hanging around with are morons. Obviously the kid felt a little awkward and left til his "bros" were done being processed.

Eventually after waiting a while longer I made it into the processing room where I had to sign about 10 papers or so for the 5 counts that each idiot got for bashing in my fellow citizens windows during the middle of the night. Upon talking to the cop who I was signing papers with the truth about who these bastards were, finally came out. It turns out that there were 4 of them ranging in age from 18-23 with apparently nothing better to do on a Saturday night than to take mommies Escalade, leave the comforts of upper class Naperville to meet up with some friends in Westchester, proceed to get drunk and high and bash peoples windows in, not once but twice in the same month.

I was in awe and I still am to be honest, that people can be so utterly stupid. I've gotten an estimate on my one window they got caught bashing and it came to $220, that's not taking into account the previous window that was broken. Other people had more than 1 window broken that night. According to the cops if it is over a total $ amount they'll all be charged with felonies. I won't be able to find out if this is true or not until my court appearance on Good Friday but you know I really hope the get it and they get it hard, does that sound harsh, I don't think so. By the way if if anyone wants to be apart of my crew to intimidate in the courtroom let me know.

Upon returning to my fortress of solitude, we decided to do a little research of our own. It would appear that these guys really are stupid dooshbags. Not only did they have pictures posted of them getting high and participating in underage drinking but you can just tell, if they
weren't caught, they would be doing the same thing time after time. And believe me if they hadn't got caught this time when they would've come back to Deadchester they would've had a real nice surprise waiting for them.

JUSTICE IS SERVED!!!!!

Deadchester No Longer: The Silence is Broken Part 1

Let me spin you a yarn here for a moment. It all begins 4 weekends ago in the peaceful village of Westchester. Many have often commented on changing the name to Deadchester in lieu of the fact that nothing ever happens here. Well, that peaceful silence and innocence was shattered about 2:30am on that Saturday night/Sunday morning 4 weekends ago.

As per usual we were playing guitar hero til the wee hours of the morn with our compatriots Rog and Ash. Miranda was attempting to sleep but due to our raucous party in the basement, it never came. She soon heard a crash that she attributed to Roger or my carelessness however upon leaving our house at around noon the next day for a delicious Pancheros burrito, we discovered that it wasn't Roger and I who caused the crash but a vandal breaking my drivers side, passenger window.

I was enraged.

First of all it's frickn single digits out here without the windchill and second of all we just have liability on the car which means outta pocket. Furthermore, who the hell thinks they have the right to bash in my car window and not even steal all of my tools that I carried with me, nor any of my other random articles in the car. All joking aside, I felt violated, and to be honest I was a little nervous that someone had it out for us for whatever reason.

Well that brings us to this weekend. The village of Westchester had been silent yet again for 3 weeks, only to be awakened this time at 4:15 ish by the thud of 3 terribly weak blows followed by an SUV of some sort speeding away from a crime scene. Ironically enough just before this happened Miranda's cell went off from an accidental call from an old college friend. Thus we weren't fully asleep and were quickly woken by the commotion somewhere close. Miranda claimed to have heard a sound downstairs so I abruptly grabbed my "gear" and went to investigate and clear the house.

The house was clear, however as I glanced out onto my snow covered car I noticed something amiss. I threw on my parka and headed out, "gear" in hand just in case I was flanked on my way outside. As I rounded the back end of my car and I stood there in utter rage and bewilderment, gawking and cussing at the non-existent drivers side window and broken mirror.

In a rage I ran to call the cops and they showed up post haste to access the problem. They basically said they're going to post someone near our house considering this was the second time a crime was committed against us. Do we have enemies? Meanwhile I was just pissed because how many times will I have to get the window fixed only to have it bashed in again.

Suffice it to say I couldn't go back to bed. I sat at our dining room table devising ways to catch the crook, ie buying a video camera for 24 hour surveillance as well as possible safeguards in and around the house should the perps choose to harass more than our car. Eventually sleep did come only I was aroused a few hours later.

"Josh, the cops are on the phone," Boo urged.
"This is Josh."
"We've got em, I need you to come in, in about an hour to press charges," the officer said.
"I'll be there in 30 minutes!"

To be honest, the story only gets better, but I don't really have time to keep writing, stay tuned for Part 2 of Deadchester No Longer: The Faces of DOoshbaggery

Happy New Year to You and Yours!

Pork, Various Tubers, Lime Meringue Pie, Wine, Rog, Ash, Boo, Me, Flora, the Wii and new PJs....Do you really need anything more than that to welcome in '08??

An Inconvienient Truth For Sure

Here's the deal, I was really pissed off when Gorebot won the Nobel Peace Prize making An Inaccurate Truth...however, that's another rant for another time. Mr. Gore's insight has spurred me on to nonetheless ponder our global crisis. Yes we have a problem with pollution and yes we as the human race, The Inuits aside, are a wasteful species. However, I pose the question, would the effects of global warming really be as bad as everyone makes it out to be?

Let me simplify this for you...raking. The pictures you are about to see are after the THIRD time raking our yard. If you do the math just on this last raking, there were 20, 30 galloon bags with 2 garbage cans which gives us an estimated 500 plus gallons of LEAVES on the THIRD raking.

My solution...you guessed it, to keep driving my fossil fuel guzzling truck, not recycling and flushing the toilet at least TWICE after I urinate. WHY you ask, this way the Earth will warm to such a temperature that those in the Chicago land area, namely me and my boo will never have to rake AGAIN!!! Do you realize how much of a pain in the rear it is to not only rake and mulch and rake and mulch and rake again it is and furthermore to place handful upon handful of leaves into a brown paper bag that continuously rips...well I do, and the situation stinks! So here's to not raking leaves in '08 and flushing unnecessarily, can't wait til summer!

Another Thursday Night

For those five of you who don't already know, I teach 6th grade. At the beginning of each day after we do attendance, the Pledge and now our mandatory moment of silence, after which we start off by gathering at the carpet for a read aloud. Since the beginning of the year we've been reading "When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit." A book about a Jewish family who left war torn Germany just before Hitler was voted in.

Well, this family ended up living in Switzerland and the girl who is the main character was attending a boy/girl school. At recess the boys and girls never intermingled, the girls always played hopscotch until that is Anna showed up. After she realized what a drag it was to play hopscotch, she opted to participate in doing cartwheels with the boys. Don't ask me, I'm still trying to figure out why Swiss boys thought it was cool to do cartwheels at recess. Anyways the boys ended up having a crush on Anna and apparently they decided to show their affection towards her by throwing pebbles and SHOES at her on her way home.

When she arrived at home her mom was pissed because she was being chased by these kids and Anna's Mom ended up grabbin one of em. When asked why he was throwin SHOES at ANna he responded by saying that they "loved her." Well as you can imagine even when that four letter word is mentioned in a 6th grade class all chaos ensues. Long story even longer the kids asked what Miss Miranda would do if MR. T would throw a shoe at her when she arrived at home to show his love for her. I laughed and said I don't know but maybe I'll try.

Later on that night after I had been sitting at the dining room table grading the last batch of papers before grades are due next week, Miss Miranda phoned home after a long day and asked what was for dinner. Being not in the mood to cook we decided to order from our favorite Thai food restaurant. We've eaten at this place almost every other week since we've moved in and have never had a problem, until now that is. What we were told was going to take 30 minutes ended up taking Boo an extra 30 waiting in the joint, total 1 hour since phoned in. Suffice it to say when Miranda came home she was not a happy camper after sitting in traffic and waiting in a Thai food restaurant for exorbitant amounts of time.

Well unbeknownst to her I was waiting for her arrival in the office, unaware her night's hardships, with shoe and video camera in hand I waited to capture what was to be a funny moment of literature meeting reality for my kids. Unfortunately after a long day at the office I guess you can't always predict what will happen next...

Halloween Past and Present

It all started on a freezing cold night in Iowa City, Ia back in October of 2003. There a young man disguised as Alf from the planet Malmack who has an affinity towards cats happened upon a Spanish dancer who apparently doesn't look before crossing busy intersections. Hence forth these two star crossed lovers found that they both had a liking for homemade costumes to adorn themselves with once a year. So, for your viewing pleasure here are some of their previous costume en devours beginning with its earliest form. Happy Anniversary Boo!





Alf and Hoagie '03 the Spanish Dancer has yet to appear



Bath Buddies, resourcefulness at it's best '04,
night 1.

Indiana and Marion, obviously
night 2
Lamo, no costumes '05

Ahh Dwight K. Shrute and the gang from The Office '06

Great Scott!!! Doc Brown and Marty McFly, need I say more.

Next year??????????